discoveries on attraction and life partnerships

## discoveries on attraction and life partnerships

#### 24 April 2020
from a life less lonely

### leonard johnston

| The evolution of my sexuality and my search for a life partnership. Warning: This post discusses elements of sexuality, mostly between adults, including pornography and BDSM. It is not particularly graphic, but sex and body type preferences are discussed. Please use discretion when reading. As a teenager, I discovered something devastating: not just was I attracted to young boys, but I wasn't attracted to adults. Pretty much as soon as puberty came in, my attraction phased out. At the tender age of 14, I essentially concluded that I would likely die a virgin, and I just had to come to terms with that. Eventually, I did accept it, even if I'd sometimes flare up with jealousy at those who could have sex. My virginity was simply an immutable fact of life. And with it, another fact: I would probably never marry, because how could I marry someone without being attracted to them? How could I love someone, and how could they love me? With COVID-19 raging, I've had a lot of time alone to think, and more than ever I find myself wishing for a life partner. But even just believing in that wish is somewhat amazing to me. Over the past few years, I've reconsidered my options; I've reconsidered my attractions; and while I still think of myself as an exclusive pedophile (or close to that), I now realize things are more complicated and more possible for me than I'd thought before. This post is a weird journey of self-discovery, one I think everyone can relate to in a weird way, even if it's about a pedophile. It's about how we understand ourselves, and the random events in life that help us discover what we really want. One of my big fears growing up was if I'd ever be able to find a life partner: someone to marry, to go through life together. It seemed impossible, especially because I'd decided that if I became close to someone, I'd have to tell them about my real desires. I longed for that closeness and intimacy, even if I was pretty sure I'd never have it. More than anything, I worried that all my friends would marry and drift away, leaving me alone. It was in college that I first became attracted to an adult. They were, at the time, going by female pronouns although they'd later take they/them pronouns. They were a great friend, but the truth was my sexual desire had somewhat darker undertones. I think I liked them because they felt like a boy. Boyish tendencies, a boyish way of walking and holding their body, shorter, thin, flat-chested. We never had sex, but we cuddled, and I liked it. In a typical teenager story, I orgasmed once while cuddling (that was... embarrassing). I ended up telling them about my pedophilia and they accepted it and supported me, although it didn't work out in the end. There were too many headwinds to the relationship. (Let alone my concern that in a long-term relationship, my desire would fade as they got older.) However, even if that relationship didn't work out... it might have! I was 19, and for the first time in my life, I'd been attracted to an adult. Maybe there was hope. When, in my mid-20s, I went to see a psychologist at the recommendation of a friend I'd come out to, he suggested I masturbate to adult pornography to try to condition myself for attraction to adults. I was skeptical but dutiful, and besides, I had been attracted to an adult even if it was years ago. I decided to pick up real physical porn rather than venture into the wilds of the internet, so I stopped at a sketchy all-night porn store in the middle of nowhere out in rural Ohio. (The kind of place that might've been named "The Lion's Den" or something like that. And yes, kids, I know those don't exist any more.) Let me tell you: if you want to make me feel out of place, stick me in a palace to adult pornography in rural Ohio. I nodded curtly to the big bearded guy sitting bored at front desk, trying to pretend like I belonged, worried he'd somehow see through me and realize I was a pedophile. I browsed shelf after shelf of women in compromising positions with the typical nonsense porn titles, trying to look like I was interested. How long should I stop to look at this one? Would he be able to tell I wasn't really interested? What if he thought I was gay, was that going to be a problem? Was he going to look at what I bought and judge me? Eventually, I returned to the front. What I'd taken was simple: magazines and DVDs filled with flat-chested women, like the one adult I'd ever been attracted to, except... smuttier. It made sense: hairless body (which disqualified adult men), flat chest, smaller - they were like boys, just... women. Right? Maybe with this, I could develop my attraction. Needless to say, it didn't work. It turns out that porn just sucks, and I found myself decidedly unstimulated. By the time I was 27, there'd been two more adults I was attracted to, although less strongly. One also originally presented as female but later chose to use they/them pronouns; the other was a thin guy who had a very young personality. In both cases, no relationship was possible. We were friends, and that was fine. They never knew there was any interest from me. But that... was it. No more adults ever caught my eye. That moment passed, and once again, it was just boys. Again I thought I'd never be able to find someone to marry. I did lose my virginity when I was 29, thanks to a woman who decided she wanted to try to "convert" me even though I told her I was asexual. That's a story for another post, but I was happy to be converted, so we tried. The sex was boring, almost as much as the porn, and so that was a bust. Back to a life of sexual isolation. It took years for that to change. The change came about, of all things, through online sexual role playing. You'll hear more about this in other posts, but imagine for a moment that you're me. You're only interested in sex with boys, which you don't want to have. You look for outlets. One potential outlet is finding adults who want to role play as boys. Especially through text over the internet, your imagination can fill it in; meanwhile, they react to what you do, surprising you just like a real person would - because they are a real person. I always found it surprisingly fulfilling with the right partner, and as it happens, there are people who want to be on the other side. And then, with one person... I started to taunt him in real life. It started small. He'd tell me he was at a party, and I'd say something by e-mail to get him horny. He liked public exposure, and so he was turned on by it. Meanwhile, I found myself enjoying getting him hard. It made no sense in my head. He was an adult. Why would I be enjoying this? But I really, really did. My taunts got stronger, and we both got more and more turned on by the experience. My fantasies about boys often involve elements of control. Hypnosis, bondage, etc. Yes, I know... how can you come up with fantasies that are even worse than just being a pedophile? I've wrestled with that deeply, but that truth doesn't change: I wouldn't act on any of these desires. You'll likely see another post on my struggle with these thoughts in the coming months. But in the meanwhile, please bear with me. It leads to somewhere good. What I soon realized is that this man, who had played a fictional boy opposite me, was being controlled by me, and I liked it. We even met up in-person, had sex... and I liked it. This was groundbreaking. I liked sex! That may not sound remarkable, but to me, it was. I soon discovered that I'm attracted to submissive adult men who want to be boys or play as boys. I started playing around with other people online, and even met up with one other person, also having a great time. And now, during this pandemic... I realized that I'm even attracted to submissive men who don't want to be boys. I just need them to be submissive. Give me control, and I can have fun with it. I'm a gay Dom, or at least I can pretend to be one. Was this always true, or did it grow out of my experiences? Did my attractions actually shift, or did I just discover something new? Honestly, I have no idea, but I'm happy to lean in to it. Now, let's be clear. I'm not "cured." I'm still not as attracted to submissive men as I am to preteen boys. I'm sorry, I'm just not. I won't pass a guy on the street and think he's hot. I don't watch gay porn; I've tried watching gay BDSM porn with twinks and... it does nothing for me. It is the act of dominance that turns me on, and knowing that the other person is turned on by being submissive. (If they're not into it, I'm not either.) But I _am_ into it. I like it a lot. I've had few sexual experiences so far in real life (just the two mentioned above), but fundamentally, they _worked_ and that's revolutionary for me. I've discovered something about my sexuality; whether it was there the whole time or not, I could never have found it without blindly stumbling around for a while. Meanwhile, I've realized something else. I could be happy finding a life partner who's a pedophile, and as I've developed more ties in the community, I think that's more and more realistic as well. We could share so much of our lives, so much intimacy, even if it's not physical. If they're not a submissive guy, I could find someone else for the sexual aspect of my life. All of a sudden, I have options. Choices. I could find a sexually fulfilling partner with a submissive guy, or I could find a fellow pedophile whom I could be emotionally intimate with. They aren't even mutually exclusive! Of course, neither of them is easy. Meeting anyone like this, as a pedophile, is dangerous; we live in secrecy. And I need to be open with them. That means developing trust with someone online over a long period of time without knowing our true identities. And aside from that, we need to actually get along, be geographically compatible, and want to be partners together. And above all, trust, so I can share the biggest secret in my life. And for once, I really see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I was wrong as a kid. It's not impossible. It could come with time. I might be in my 30's - it might be "late" to start this whole journey. But somewhere out there is someone who's for me. I see a path forward, and I'm going to try. About the author: After realizing my attraction at the age of 13, I began the journey of figuring out how to live a good life. When I eventually landed happily, I decided to share that journey with others. At first, I primarily wrote answers on Quora, which were viewed over a million times, liked thousands of times and led to numerous positive comments and discussions. I also started a blog, which was fortunate as a likely reporting campaign resulted in my Quora account being deleted, so much of my work remains online there. In addition to his writing (here and elsewhere), I enjoy board games, hiking, and spending time with friends. I have been part of the community for over a decade, seeking to do my part to make the world a better place. You can find the original article, along with reader comments (and the opportunity to leave your own) at Leonard's blog. |

tags for this item

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experiences66
nature of attractions22
other sexualities8
relationships33

other relevant items

other relevant items

growing up a pedophile |  | why i do this |  | a minor pedophile reached out... into the wild west
ender Pedophiles go through the same developmental processes as anyone else, and are aware of what they're attracted to by the same age your average heterosexual. |  | ender Those who will lose their children to suicide because of this will perhaps never know why their child took his or her life |  | bly So I sought out people like me. I would go on those sketchy teen/tween chat rooms, explaining that I was a minor looking for someone to talk to.

growing up a pedophile ender Pedophiles go through the same developmental processes as anyone else, and are aware of what they're attracted to by the same age your average heterosexual.
why i do this ender Those who will lose their children to suicide because of this will perhaps never know why their child took his or her life
a minor pedophile reached out... into the wild west bly So I sought out people like me. I would go on those sketchy teen/tween chat rooms, explaining that I was a minor looking for someone to talk to.