not a question of guilt

## not a question of guilt

#### 20 May 2025
from new p words

### iceground

| At 11, I left the countryside for a big city in Columbia. One day, a 20 year old man gained my trust after a long time talking. He had a network of child exploitation and I fell into it. I was a lonely child. My parents weren't there, and my mom left me in the care of people who didn't pay enough attention to me and I felt alone most of the time. I lived in a poor environment, most of my childhood in a farm and I moved to the city before starting puberty at 11 years old. My dad was a victim of the war and couldn't live with me. And my mom wasn't very present because she was going to university while working. Even though I lived with my mom as a teenager, her expectations of me were that I would be independent, which is what I ended up being. In Colombia and specially in a monetarily poor environment, it is quite common for everyone to expect you to be independent since childhood. In my case, I wanted to meet their expectations by being prepared to help, not complaining about anything, not crying, laughing loudly, bothering them or trying to get their attention. This was the only way I got some approval and if I became a nuisance there was physical violence. Some people and years of therapy helped me classify it as abandonment. big city At 11, I left the countryside for a big city in Columbia and began living with my mother. Once she finished her university studies, she moved to work and got married. I started High School. Thanks to my best friend at the time, I discovered I was gay. I'm a Gen Z person, so I didn't have to deal with much discrimination at school, and my family didn't mind either. I was openly gay at school and at home from when I was very young. I noticed immediately I had some of attraction to other boys younger than me too, but I didn't give it much importance during my adolescence. People didn't take me seriously and I grew up, I received many homophobic comments, but none of them were serious enough to harm me, so I consider myself lucky in that way. I experimented sexually with other gay boys my age or close many times. I appreciate those memories. Unfortunately, being so young and not having much attention at home meant that I started exposing myself on the internet at that age. Without adult supervision, I ran openly gay accounts on Instagram and then Snapchat. I talked to other kids my age, but one day an adult arrived. Finding them physically attractive or trustworthy, and receiving comments I'd never received before, gave me satisfaction from adult approval. Comments like "you look very cute or attractive," "you're very smart," "I like that you're so sensitive" began to have a huge effect on me, and I began to date a few adults, despite the risk. There was no sexual contact. I was already close to 12. Even though I was afraid of the risks, I continued to have that type of chat until one day, a 20 year old man gained my trust after a long time talking. I felt loved and attracted to him to the point that, after much hesitation, I started sexting with him. unaware of the dangers Feeling that I enjoyed it, I decided to risk meeting him for a date with the possibility of sexual contact, being aware of the dangers. unfortunately, he took advantage of me. After seeing each other in public places a couple of times, he invited me to his house and I accepted. Once I got to his house, there was no turning back. He sexually abused me but what I experienced was overshadowed by what happened next. He physically threatened me and subdued me. I was afraid something would happen to me or that I might die right then and there, but he explained what I had to do now. He made some pretty sexualizing comments about me that continue to leave me with after-effects to this day. Comments about my thin body, my white skin, my shy voice. He also described me as slutty and perfect for what he had in mind. He didn't tie me up or hit me, but his physical presence intimidated me so much and with nowhere else to go, I froze. He told me that many foreign tourists pay to have sex with minors, which is a real problem in Colombia even today. He told me that those perverts like latinos, but that they needed a profile like mine. At first, with twisted kindness, he offered me the chance to take that kind of job for the money. But when I refused, he began threatening to tell my family, he said he would also hurt them if I didn't accept or I tell someone or the police. After that, the guy started sending me messages saying that I better not back down and show myself when he asked me. I really didn't want to go, but his messages were so recurrent that I had no choice but to accept at the time. He wasn't alone. He had a network of child exploitation and I fell into it. The more I learned, the more afraid I became. I wanted to ask for help, but they told me it would be useless to tell the authorities; that it would take them too long to do anything, and that by the time they got there, they would have already hurt me or people around me. exploited for over five years I was hired a couple of times a month, except on vacations where they made me go more often than usual, I told my parents different lies like that I went out with friends, which I also did often because I hated being at home. When I got a little older, I told them I got a job. I was exploited for just over 5 and a half years, from when I was about to turn 12 until I was already 17. At first, it was horrible. I cried every time I met them. Many of them were brutal and violent, while others were gentler. Over time I developed Stockholm syndrome and on my own I agreed to do this despite everything, plus receiving money also had an effect on me. The other kids who were exploited weren't in a better situation than me. Some of them were neglected by their family and others were orphaned. At that time, I hated knowing English from a very young age, because the guys almost always knew it and made comments I could perfectly understand. I was forced to talk to many of them. Many of them talked about my physique, which caused me insecurities about my appearance, my weight and my ethnicity—because I have white skin, and many guys were exclusively interested in that. All of this was also be recorded and exploited by the adults who abused me. The idea of ​​this type of content circulating on the internet constantly generates anxiety for me although at the time, I thought much less about this. These concerns began to surface as I grew older. The experiences were varied, and over time, I've had to get used to the idea that some of them made me feel good despite all the negative context surrounding them. I've had to learn that I wasn't guilty for feeling that way. dismantled by the police Once I was 17, attention regarding these types of services and child sex tourism was increasing, and the network that sexually exploited me was dismantled by the police. I wasn't present at the time, and like me, several victims took several weeks to be identified. The police managed to identify me and contact my parents. By that time I was almost an adult and I decided to run away from all of that. The tense relationship with my parents didn't help and the police must have given them only a very vague context, since they judged me for my actions and blamed me for the situation. They ended up saying things like, "if you had been at home studying this wouldn't have happened". To this day they know that I was sexually abused, but not that I was exploited from a very young age for years and I really don't want them to know because the way they treated me when they found out (thanks to the police) hurt me too much. The police summoned us, and I asked to be alone and was able to testify without my mother and stepfather present. However, since I was still a minor, the officer was forced to inform them. Afterward, I was examined by the doctor, and to this day, my mother and stepfather have not talked about it. I have no idea if they feel guilty about the horrible comment they made to me. As a result of our inefficient judicial system, it took a long time for the men to be prosecuted and go to trial, although the nature of the crime made it happen a little faster. By the time they were prosecuted, I was 18 and therefore of legal age. I decided not to testify, as it wasn't necessary given the amount of testimony and evidence. My mental state was very poor. A few weeks after it all ended I broke down. I had a severe bout of depression that made me isolate myself in my room from everyone. I dropped out of High School, was checked by a psychologist and quickly referred to psychiatry and after two sessions I was hospitalized for being at risk of self-harm—unable to take care of myself. facing my experience as a MAP My confinement lasted over a year. The whole time I felt alone, but having received help made me at least be a functional person again when I got out. Although I was aware of liking younger boys, even when I was 11, I didn't fully understand my own attractions to until it was all over when I was 17. Nowadays I can be attracted to boys as young as 6. Sometimes there are exceptions who are even younger. I’ve only been in the MAP community for a short time. I'm now 22. I've been accepting myself as a MAP for less than a year. I spent almost two years feeling bad about my attraction and blaming those who did this to me for being the way I am. Facing my experience is part of healing and accepting my feelings and suffering, and also helping me live a healthy life as a MAP. As a MAP, this acts as a strong reminder of my anti-contact MAP identity. I share my story hoping that other people who suffered from child sexual abuse can identify with it. I hope sharing my feelings can help them deal with this internal battle. I also hope that other MAPs who haven't offended or survived child sexual abuse can gain perspective from hearing how I went through all of this. My conclusion is that I'm glad there's an anti-contact MAP community and that I found it while I'm young and when I needed this support the most. I'm also glad there are safe spaces like this where I can express myself and speak from my personal perspective without hiding anything. I know now that I am not guilty. About the author: I am a young, white, adult non-exclusive minor attracted person from Columbia, who likes to read, acquire knowledge and learn languages. I was sexually exploited and abused by older men from the age of 11 until 17. I decided to tell my story via the p word because there are thoughts and experiences I would like my fellow MAPs to know and understand. I hope that sharing my story will be helpful to MAPs in a similar situation. |

tags for this item

tags for this item

coming out12
experiences66
families of maps8
minor attracted youth27
pedophile communities15
pedophiles who were sexually abused as minors7

other relevant items

other relevant items

harm to children in cp |  | a year of therapy |  | review of erotic innocence by james kincaid
ethan edwards I am naturally concerned about harm to children who appear in CP. |  | carolus magnus When I started, I wanted that magic pill. I wanted the lobotomy that would pull this malignant sector of my brain out. |  | ethan edwards Kincaid thinks we should go back to hugging kids and playing with them without worrying obsessively. But he then adds, curiously, "if you find yourself getting too excited, going too far, wanting to incite or not to stop — then stop."

harm to children in cp ethan edwards I am naturally concerned about harm to children who appear in CP.
a year of therapy carolus magnus When I started, I wanted that magic pill. I wanted the lobotomy that would pull this malignant sector of my brain out.
review of erotic innocence by james kincaid ethan edwards Kincaid thinks we should go back to hugging kids and playing with them without worrying obsessively. But he then adds, curiously, "if you find yourself getting too excited, going too far, wanting to incite or not to stop — then stop."