a note on the costs of self-hatred

## a note on the costs of self-hatred

#### 14 November 2024
from a life less lonely

### leonard johnston

| Empathy is important, especially for those who are most hated - even by me. This post is about empathy. I've been told not to share it. That the person at the center of it is not sympathetic enough. That people will dislike it, or react badly; one person I shared the post with could not bring himself to agree with me. Empathy, though, is important. It's especially important for those who are most hated. I'm in that category, and if I am not a hypocrite, that means sharing empathy for others as well even when I disagree with them. So with that preamble, here is the original post. Jason Yates was, until August, the CEO of My Faith Votes, "an evangelical get-out-the-vote nonprofit, which seeks to motivate Christian voters to promote family values and 'biblical truth' in the public square". He left a corporate career in 2015 to become the CEO of My Faith Votes, presumably because he wanted to make a positive difference in the world. (I doubt it was for the paycheck.) He wrote, in an [op-ed for _The Washington Times_](https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2024/jul/3/as-culture-degrades-if-christians-dont-act-who-wil/), about sexually deviant messages aimed at children: "This infernal programming is being downloaded into our children, and it becomes far easier when it finds no resistance in our public square — when it is allowed to fill the void left by the absence of our faith." My Faith Votes had similar messaging. Their website reads, "As a result of apathy at the voting booth and in public life, we’ve suffered devastating moral decay, declining religious freedom, immoral national debt, and the erosion of traditional family values." You know where this is going. In August, child pornography, a lot of it, was discovered on Yates's hard drive. He was arrested, and is awaiting trial. Now, I hate to tell you this, but this article isn't going where you expect it to go. If you're on the left (as I admittedly am), you probably want this to turn into a takedown of the hypocritical right-wing voting machine. If you're on the right, perhaps you're hoping for me to talk about how this man was not a true conservative. But it wouldn't be a good blog post if I did the predictable thing, so instead I'll be a bit of a contrarian. You see, when I read [his story](https://religionnews.com/2024/11/05/jason-yates-promoted-christian-values-as-ceo-of-my-faith-votes-he-now-faces-child-porn-charges/), I didn't see either of those perspectives. What I saw was a man who hated himself, and my heart went out to him. I saw someone who has probably had these desires for a long time, and whose society and family and friends told him that anyone with those desires should hate themselves. I saw someone who came to blame his desires on coming across pornography, who fought it and fought it and hated himself and failed, and who decided to dedicate his life to what he falsely saw as the cause of his sins, to try, in vain, to save others like him. I saw someone who could never ask for help, could never talk to a therapist, could never tell a friend. Who had to live in secret, hating himself because his beliefs and his attractions conflicted. Who never learned to control his needs, perhaps because help was not available. I saw someone whom society failed. Someone whom society never told: you can live a good life with your attractions. You can live with yourself in peace. There is a community of people who struggle with the same things. You're not alone, and you don't have to suffer alone. (And, if your beliefs allow, there are ways to explore what your body needs that never hurt anyone.) I am not religious, but I have no problem with Yates's faith. I don't agree with his anti-LGBT agenda, and I don't agree with his idea that kids should be in a protective bubble, but I can understand how people come to those views and that they're honestly felt. I probably wouldn't have liked Jason Yates very much if we'd met, but I would have understood him. Society shames people, it forces them into hiding, it tells them they are awful people. Everything comes together to cause despair and loneliness, and the only outlet people hear about is child pornography. That must be even worse for someone who is so immersed in a culture that punishes any sexual "deviancy." Imagine living in that world and being unable to stop yourself from masturbating to children. I have sympathy for the man, and I hope he eventually finds real peace. I don't have great faith that our prison system will provide good treatment, but I still hope he gets it. And I hope we do better. For our selves, our families, our friends, and our neighbors. For our society. We need it. And regardless of our beliefs, we should be able to come together on helping each other, and finding a path forward that is not about shame and ostracization. Otherwise these stories, and much worse, will just keep happening. About the author: After realizing my attraction at the age of 13, I began the journey of figuring out how to live a good life. When I eventually landed happily, I decided to share that journey with others. At first, I primarily wrote answers on Quora, which were viewed over a million times, liked thousands of times and led to numerous positive comments and discussions. I also started a blog, which was fortunate as a likely reporting campaign resulted in my Quora account being deleted, so much of my work remains online there. In addition to his writing (here and elsewhere), I enjoy board games, hiking, and spending time with friends. I have been part of the community for over a decade, seeking to do my part to make the world a better place. In order to avoid the long gap between posts, I've decided to occasionally post short pieces like this one. I am still working on several longer, more thoughtful posts, which I believe are the heart of this blog. In the meantime, I hope that shorter posts provide some value and sense of continuity as I make time for writing when I can. Please be forgiving, as I won't be editing these shorter posts as closely as my longer ones. You can find the original article, along with reader comments (and the opportunity to leave your own) at Leonard's blog. |

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tags for this item

experiences66
media portrayals27
offending28
public perception40

other relevant items

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celibate pedophiles spending time with children |  | sex offender, anti-contact pedophile |  | what we tried to say on bluesky and twitter
ethan edwards Pedophiles live in the wide world, and children live in the wide world, and they're bound to be in the same place sometimes. |  | aydne I kinda worked myself into this mindframe where, well if I'm gonna be a monster anyway... and that kinda set the backdrop for what ended up happening. |  | bly VirPed's accounts have been banned (twice) from Twitter and once from BlueSky. We had one main thing to say...

celibate pedophiles spending time with children ethan edwards Pedophiles live in the wide world, and children live in the wide world, and they're bound to be in the same place sometimes.
sex offender, anti-contact pedophile aydne I kinda worked myself into this mindframe where, well if I'm gonna be a monster anyway... and that kinda set the backdrop for what ended up happening.
what we tried to say on bluesky and twitter bly VirPed's accounts have been banned (twice) from Twitter and once from BlueSky. We had one main thing to say...